"Hey MK, It's Good to See You Back"


17/100


Over the last few months I've had people say to me "Hey MK, it's good to see you back". Both to my face and said about me when I am not in the room. 


Every time I hear it I pause. They aren't referring to me having come to visit, or being in the same room. Nor are they referring to my back as opposed to my front. What they are hinting at is something more elusive... harder to define. They are talking about part of my personality that has shown up off and on for my whole life. 


When I enter into a relationship, (and I don't mean a friendship), that involves emotional (and physical) intimacy... I seem to lose myself. That personality in me that is creative, passionate, funny, independent, unique, curious and even joyful seems to take a backseat to the anxious, nervous, over-analyzing, overly-careful, stressed and controlling personality lurking in the corner. I become less able to trust myself. I lose my 'magic'. I lose that part of myself that often is the part that is the most lovable. 


I grew up being afraid to be vulnerable. It made it difficult for me to keep friends. Worse, it made it hard for me to be honest with others and thus when I did make a friend, I usually lost them pretty quickly. It wasn't really until college and meeting a few wonderful people that put up with me as I learned how to be a friend, that I actually started to trust people enough to be vulnerable and therefore 'friend' material.


And as a friend? I rock. No, really. I do. I'm kind, loving, patient, giving and while at times maybe a little self centered, I often just need a gentle nudge to remember something.  In general, I will jump on the chance to be a part of your life. I'm not a good 'high maintenance' friend. If you need someone that will be there ALL the time, I'm probably not your girl. But if you want someone who is going to love you, be honest with you, cheer you on and let you hang with her while she is on her journey? That's me.


Except in relationships. Somehow I falter. I stumble. I get needy. I get anxious. My ability to trust and be vulnerable skips town. I can be desperate, clingy and I lose a lot of the confidence that makes me who I am. 


I do best in relationships where I am appreciated. Yet I seem to have a great knack for choosing relationships where that is not the case. I used to think I needed validation, but that isn't the best word. It isn't validation I am seeking but appreciation. I can't stress how important it is to appreciate others. Every time I cook a meal for my dad, even ones I don't like so much, he tells me how wonderful it is that I cooked for him. I once wrote: 

After every meal I cook for my dad, he tells me how good it is, how much he enjoys it and how he appreciates our time together. You know, it isn't hard to say those things to someone and it means so much to the one on the receiving end. Being kind to another isn't "enabling low self esteem", being kind nourishes connection and enhances love.

I find appreciation in my friendships and in my family. I realize now that I won't settle for less in a relationship. This could mean I am alone for a while. I used to think I had to be 'in a relationship' to prove that I was okay and (dare I say it?) 'normal'. I  now realize it isn't about being normal, it is about being healthy. If being myself and being healthy means being alone for a while? So be it. I'm good with that. If it means sharing my life with someone who appreciates me and has no problem telling me that? I'm gonna see that as a big, healthy, "SCORE!!!"

Peace,


MaryKate